I had this beautiful moment in the shower this morning.  We got up early to go on a U of I visit.  It was awesome, I actually felt this morning.  Like I could feel emotions.  Which was overwhelming, and I actually ended up almost crying in the car over the fact that my grandma died over a year ago.  It’s like I’m just now catching up with things.

But it was beautiful.  Feeling things, after so long without.  It’s hard to describe and you can just say “I don’t feel anything” to someone and it’s something that can literally only be understood from experience.

Anyway, back to the shower moment.  I had this amazing catharsis in which I realized that I want to make games for a living.  I want to make experiences for other people, make them happy, sad, all sorts of things from something I can create.  Just to give something to others that I feel capable of doing.  And I finally felt capable this morning.

But the moment didn’t last and now I’m back to feeling minimal.  It feels weird even typing this, like I knew I was being pulled back into this darkness and couldn’t prevent it.  At least I’ll get my meds started soon, I hope tomorrow.

I apologize for the myriad personal posts, it’s just been a weird journey for me these past weeks, but I’m finding my way and documenting it seems like a good idea.  I’ll be back to posting solely nature and art content soon enough <3